Fatal distraction

Ripped from the headlines: A woman allegedly charges up her ex-boyfriend’s credit card to send a shipment of dead fish and caviar to his office. We’re talking a lot of fish! I thought this was a rather interesting way to protest his marrying a Russian woman. Points for creativity.

Obviously, the question on everyone’s mind is, “How does this affect me?” I may have just become an accomplice to further acts of stalkery mayhem. Just slap the cuffs on me now.

I’m the first to admit that if you tell me you’re a millionaire, bikini model, Supreme Court judge, I’m likely to believe you. (You know they’re all wearing bikinis and speedos under their robes.) In my defense, I come from a time when deals were sealed with a handshake, and a man’s word was his bond.

So when this woman said she wanted to review our Valentine’s book for her magazine, we blindly sent her a ticking time bomb with stories of romance gone awry. While it doesn’t specifically address ways to stab the one you love in the back with a screwdriver, in the wrong hands, it could serve as inspiration for unspeakable acts of ridiculous revenge. For instance:

Send his wife naked pictures of Justin Bieber.

Carpet bomb his house with fire ants.

Break into his house and teach his parrot to sing the theme song from The Brady Bunch, over and over.

Any one of these heinous acts could buy me a one-way ticket to the big house, where I’ll be forced to eat Spam, and will permanently scar the minds of other inmates who have to see me naked in the communal shower.

I’m begging you, when you inevitably buy our Valentine humor anthology, do not commit acts of aggression against your ex-lover. I don’t know the first thing about making a shiv.