Who emancipated the radicals?

There are only two Fuddruckers in the state of South Carolina. This clearly infringes on my inalienable rights to eat the perfect hamburger without making a day trip of it. Sure, I can go to any fast food joint (over nine gazillion served), where I suspect that they inject free radicals into the meat. (Caution: geeky scientific crap ahead.)

Research has proven that free radicals = bad; antioxidants = good. I could go into a list of foods rich in antioxidants, but is the normal human being going to pick kale when he could have a waffle with strawberries and that whipped cream stuff that squirts out of a can (a biomass of free radicals roughly the size Finland, glued together with fat)? I think not.

The problem is that free radicals break down cells, speeding the aging process. You can combat this process with vitamins, supplements, and some mythical substance called CoQ10, which is nowhere found in nature. Unfortunately, the daily vitamin packs require a sherpa to heft them into the back of your mini-van.

It’s scary to think that processed American cheese food that squirts out of a can might be causing irreparable damage to your major organs as we speak. Do we see a pattern here? Put the squirt can down, back away, and nobody gets hurt. I inadvertently performed a science experiment recently, where I left my milkshake cup in the car. Three days of blistering heat had done nothing to render the whipped cream into liquid. Don’t even get me started on the cherry.

The other day I had lunch at a chain diner that offers breakfast 24 hours a day. Their senior menu started at age 55. I QUALIFIED FOR THE SENIOR MENU!!! The worst part was that nobody carded me. Somehow, while my back was turned I started looking my age. It was a rude awakening to learn that I’ve been forgoing whipped cream for the last several years for nothing.

Their failure to card me prompted me into a retaliatory gesture of self-destruction. I ate the bacon. Take that, friendly waitstaff! Nobody seemed concerned over this obvious cry for help.

I’d like to see a study with people my age who have eaten Boston Crème donuts all their lives, compared to people who have juicers and routinely drink milkshakes made with turnips and grass clippings. I can study the results on my long drive up to Fuddruckers.

No salt, no fat, no taste

Short term memory loss is one of the first indications of impaired brain function due to aging. Recent studies have linked belly fat in your 40’s to a higher rate of dementia as early as your 60’s. My grandmother lived to be 92 and was sharp as a tack to the end. My great grandmother spent her final years in restraints, screaming non-stop. The difference: before great-grandma shrank down to skin and bones, she did her clothes shopping in the “husky” section of the dry goods store. On the other hand, my grandmother was always average size. Since my anecdotal evidence totally supports the scientific findings, I think we can agree that overweight Americans are mentally doomed.

Since the introduction of margarine in 1910 the death rate from heart attack in the U.S. has increased from 3,000 in 1930 to half a million in 1960. Since free radicals are also swimming in trans-fat (they prefer the breast stroke), anti-aging experts agree that if you eat chocolate éclairs or cheesecake and survive to old age, your heart may be beating the odds, but the free radicals will leave you looking like Chloris Leachman on a good day.

At a relatively early age, my blood pressure started going up. I had followed in my mother’s footsteps when cooking, which necessitated buying a salt mine to make one meatloaf. Since salt was destined to melt my neurons down faster than Chernobyl, I faced the choice between flavor and both halves of my brain functioning. My family is already questioning my brain function, so I can’t afford to lose any more gray matter. It would be pretty embarrassing to have a stroke and nobody notices a difference.

Breakfast cereal

Going from a high salt diet to a low salt diet was quite a shock to my taste buds. I decided that it was definitely a good time for some self-pity. Low fat dieters have fat-free foods available that increase their salt content to masquerade as real food. Low sodium dieters have a choice of bland or blander. Most prepared foods are high in salt, so forget about my specialty: boxed macaroni and cheese.

For those who have both high blood pressure and high cholesterol, prepare for a diet of plain oatmeal and styrofoam packing peanuts. You’ll live longer, but why would you want to?