Stayin’ Alive

Not only is it tax day, it’s the day I get to return to the DMV for the second time this week, because one day in hell is never enough. Like roughly 97% of the customers at the DMV on Wednesday, I was turned away as a suspected terrorist, as evidenced by my lack of proof of insurance.

It seems that my insurance company neglected to send the official electronic okey-dokey, to prove that I was paying out the nose for my chance to spend a huge deductible if my car door gets dinged in the parking lot. With just one phone call, three customer service reps with thick accents, and 20 minutes of elevator music, I found someone willing to flip the magical switch at the insurance company.

There are specific things that you can do to make another wasted day more interesting. Before walking into the DMV, you need to paste a creepy smile on your face. It makes the workers there wonder what you’re thinking. If you reach into your coat pocket for a used Kleenex, you’ll get to watch them all duck and cover.

The workers themselves are carefully trained never to crack a smile. Their permitted facial expressions range from angry, to comatose. Anyone caught being cheerful has to administer driving tests to the blind. You have only to try to merge onto the expressway to know that there are many visually impaired drivers on South Carolina roads. Obviously, they all had proof of insurance.

Short of self-medication prior to “take a number,” there is little you can do to make your trip to the DMV more pleasurable. I plan on starting a sing-along for all the people numbers D148 to D316. If we all hold hands and sing Kumbaya interminably, maybe the workers will be motivated to keep the line moving along and get us out of there.

If I don’t post a blog on Monday, you’ll know that I’m either still at the DMV, or I’ve been incarcerated for singing folk songs from the 60’s in public. I hope they don’t throw me in the same cell with the people who are missing their marriage licenses. They tend to be Bee Gees fans. I can only take so much “Saturday Night Fever.”

Stayin\’ Alive