There’s a day for that

One of the things that makes America great is our collective ability to think of excuses for drinking beer and calling out sick from work. There’s always some whackadoodle out there who can come up with a national observance to honor rattlesnakes, marble tournaments, and taxidermists, or taxidermists who stuff rattlesnakes with marbles. Either way.

You have many opportunities for debauchery in June. If you’re feeling kind of cocky, the 19th is sauntering day. If you’ve never sauntered, swaggered, or sashayed, you might want to practice in a mirror first. If done poorly, it just looks like you need a bowel movement. I recommend that you avoid funerals and biker bars on saunter day, unless you want to be the object of scorn or are fond of having your skull dented by pool cues.

The 24th is take your pet to work day. If you have a pet cobra, alligator, or wolverine, your coworkers will not thank you for observing this holiday. For that boss that you don’t like, decorate his office with flank steak before arriving with your grizzly bear. Be sure to bring your dart gun. Your boss may need a tranquilizer when he sees the mess.

If you can’t boil water, mark your calendar for Kitchen Klutzes of America Day on June 13th. When you try your hand at fried chicken, remember that the fire department will not buy your story of creative cooking with Crisco. The emergency room personnel see a lot of fingers no longer attached to their bodies on this day. You may have to wait in line.

Finally, we have a holiday that I can get onboard with. June 18th is International Panic Day, when we invite all our brother and sisters overseas to join us in paranoia and anxiety. For women, this is marked by the beginning of bathing suit season. In the morning, we wake up to view ourselves sideways in the mirror, and realize that we made a fatal error on National Donut Day. While others are worrying about the war on terrorism, we run for the oatmeal, only to find that the cereal aisle is stocked with honey nut pork rinds and sugar frosted cookie dough. This is our special day to worry about carcinogens in our food, and the Northern Snakehead taking over our lakes and streams. Personally, I worry more about stepping in dog poop, or finding that I’ve had a booger hanging out of my nose for the last half hour. But that’s just me.

Be sure to save yourself for workaholics day in July, unless you are planning on calling in sick.

22 thoughts on “There’s a day for that

    • How are you going to get someone to stand still long enough for you to light their hair on fire?

  1. I want to saunter. I have never sauntered as far as I know. I love that word. I’ll bet I’d look good sauntering? I’m gonna go practice. I’ll get back to you on that….

  2. Contrary to popular opinion, the wolverine is perfectly adorable when they want to be. Isn’t that right, Fuzzy?

    Hey, wait… now just… accccckkkkkk!!! Someone call 911! Mad wolver….

  3. What a fun post….Don’t know which holiday is my favorite…they are all so special!

  4. June 24th is our anniversary…and, I can honestly say that I refuse to bring Dodgey to work that day…My back would be broke for sure…

  5. Very funny and I live in a sauntering type area, so maybe I’ll check it out on the 19th!

  6. Thanks for the sauntering advise, in the past i always wondered why my head always hurts after sauntering by pool halls.

    Could u maybe add a warning against taking a long saunter on a short pier?

    • I thought i would share your humor with my wife ( Important disclaimer: of course none of this resembles anything relating directly to us, but rather we enjoy hearing how these things happen to others only ) and anybody looking for a good laf

      • Glad you enjoyed it. Of course, I wouldn’t think any less of you if you have a pet wolverine.

  7. we’re staking claim on June 31 as Buy a Lisa a Drink Day (not to be confused with thelisas Drink of the Day Day, which, technically, is every day)

  8. I observe Donut Day EVERY year! Just celebrated yesterday, as a matter of fact!

    William does have some odd pets, doesn’t he? He used to have a pet bear. Yogi got in trouble for raiding his neighbor’s trash.

  9. I for one have no reason to celebrate International Panic Day …..wait I think I just saw Big Foot looking through my bedroom window. HELP! Ahhhhhhhhhhhh!

  10. Kitchen Klutzes of America day! I need to give this to my students. They burned a kitchen down two weeks ago!

    • I’ll be watching for it, although it’s kind of a stretch of the imagination to see anything naughty in it. But then, you two can find naughty in just about anything.

Comments are closed.