One of the things that makes America great is our collective ability to think of excuses for drinking beer and calling out sick from work. There’s always some whackadoodle out there who can come up with a national observance to honor rattlesnakes, marble tournaments, and taxidermists, or taxidermists who stuff rattlesnakes with marbles. Either way.
You have many opportunities for debauchery in June. If you’re feeling kind of cocky, the 19th is sauntering day. If you’ve never sauntered, swaggered, or sashayed, you might want to practice in a mirror first. If done poorly, it just looks like you need a bowel movement. I recommend that you avoid funerals and biker bars on saunter day, unless you want to be the object of scorn or are fond of having your skull dented by pool cues.
The 24th is take your pet to work day. If you have a pet cobra, alligator, or wolverine, your coworkers will not thank you for observing this holiday. For that boss that you don’t like, decorate his office with flank steak before arriving with your grizzly bear. Be sure to bring your dart gun. Your boss may need a tranquilizer when he sees the mess.
If you can’t boil water, mark your calendar for Kitchen Klutzes of America Day on June 13th. When you try your hand at fried chicken, remember that the fire department will not buy your story of creative cooking with Crisco. The emergency room personnel see a lot of fingers no longer attached to their bodies on this day. You may have to wait in line.
Finally, we have a holiday that I can get onboard with. June 18th is International Panic Day, when we invite all our brother and sisters overseas to join us in paranoia and anxiety. For women, this is marked by the beginning of bathing suit season. In the morning, we wake up to view ourselves sideways in the mirror, and realize that we made a fatal error on National Donut Day. While others are worrying about the war on terrorism, we run for the oatmeal, only to find that the cereal aisle is stocked with honey nut pork rinds and sugar frosted cookie dough. This is our special day to worry about carcinogens in our food, and the Northern Snakehead taking over our lakes and streams. Personally, I worry more about stepping in dog poop, or finding that I’ve had a booger hanging out of my nose for the last half hour. But that’s just me.
Be sure to save yourself for workaholics day in July, unless you are planning on calling in sick.