Back off, I’m a professional

I’m a full time writer, which means that I eat a lot of beans and rice, but that’s a subject for Wednesday’s blog. It also gives me the freedom to stumble around in the morning like I’m blind and drunk. That kind of thing is frowned upon in the workplace.

I spend a lot of time doing social networking, which amounts to farting around and talking to my friends online. I also take a lot of breaks, by which I mean I spend a lot of time organizing my thoughts. I ought to be the most organized person in the free world, but my thoughts beg to differ.

Lately I’ve been gearing up for publishing my first book. That involves stuff like cleaning my desk, buying a cute little baby rolodex, and dieting. That’s what professionals do. Writing? I’m sure I’ll find time for that sooner or later.

Promoting, promoting, promoting. That’s uppermost on my mind lately. How do I get the rest of America, Canada, Great Britain, Australia, … to recognize what a brilliant book they could be buying? OK, what to put in the baby rolodex is also occupying a few brain cells.

Ideally, I’ll find some famous mystery writers to read my book and write glowing reviews. This is what I have so far:

It kept me on the edge of my seat. It had pathos, angst, and excellent laundry tips.

Karla’s mother

Very few spelling errors.

Karla’s best friend

I highly recommend this for people who are bedridden or doing time in prison.

Karla’s sister

Next I need a trailer. A video on you tube is becoming increasingly popular among writers. I’m thinking something like Alfred Hitchock’s The Birds, but with Chihuahuas. I can use the theme from Jaws for the orchestration.

Wow! I should write that in my rolodex before I forget. I’ll file it under U for You Tube. And they say I’m disorganized.

26 thoughts on “Back off, I’m a professional

  1. Gee, Karla…now everybody knows what we actually do when we’re supposed to be writing! How are we supposed to maintain that glamorous author image? (Cue the uncontrollable laughter of thousands of writers here.)

    I like rice and beans….

  2. Well, I must agree with Norma…LOL

    I’d like a movie trailer…when you figure out how to make one for yourself, make one for me too….ok???

  3. Ha! What fun! Here’s a glowing review for you from a wannabe writer who hasn’t started her book YET and from the information obtained from this blog, obviously needs to increase her farting output:

    Karla’s book had a wicked great cover!
    From Karla’s new blog reader

  4. In all fairness, I did note that there were very few spelling and grammar errors.

    Karla’s sister

      • Come on, get a real job like me, staying up all night dealing with little old demented ladies who scream all night. Talk about being able to write a book….

  5. The best way to promote your book and get national attention is to become a celebrity. Why don’t you start a reality TV show – “The Real Humor Writers of South Carolina.” I could fly in for guest appearances! We could sit around in our pajamas arguing over punchlines and throw plates of rice and beans at each other!

    • I can get down with the pajamas, but I don’t want to waste perfectly good rice and beans. I was going to have them for dinner.

  6. Looks like the mystique of the writer has been blown to hell… no more sitting in that ratty bathrobe until four in the afternoon.

    Chihuahuas in place of birds in a trailer? Well, that breed of canine doesn’t qualify as a real dog, and as such, is fully open to our contempt to the point of being used as villains, so…..

  7. At first i was grinning ear to ear imagining 100’s, no thousands of Chihuahuas ( oops i almost lost my chain of thought while copy pasting Chihuahuas) milling about poor Tippy Hedren with her huge head of hair. But then it got really scary (or hairy) when the thought of those bloodthirsty rat dogs jumping into Tippy’s hair and then going after her poor nose and ears, it’s positively horrifyingly enjoyable .

  8. Gosh, now I want to be a professional writer too. I like rolodex’s! Not too fond of those little rat-dogs though. And now that I’ve been back to work one whole day, I sure do miss social networking. And napping.

  9. The hardest thing in the world is to market your book. I’m learning as I go. Several months ago I made business cards for both my blog sites. Handed them out to all my hair customers. A handful have visited and are now followers. Where ever I go, I talk about my book and hand out my card. Now when I go to the bookstores, I leave them in books.

    Now I’m working on the book clubs. I figure before I’m ready to publish, I’ll have a couple local book clubs read my stuff and give me an opinion.

    My family’s too lazy to read my stuff. But then again, I’m the only girl in the family besides my daughter who’ve graduated in the family. Let me think about that statement…we’re the only two people in the family that graduated from college. That explains the interest.

    Good luck!

    I’ll be glad to read and write a review for you.

  10. Sounds like you’ve got your priorities right on what to do first. The writing? I’m sure it comes down the road…somewhere down there. I love those rolodex things. Makes me think I have a lot of acquaintences.

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