This is a courtesy notice

I live in a community, which is to say that my every breath is scrutinized by the HOA police. The homeowners’ association sent us a courtesy notice, indicating that they take offense at the green slime growing on the front of our house. This could be easily remedied by hiring a power washing service. Easy is not the way we roll.

We searched the yellow pages for someplace that rents pressure washers, and found that they are all located in North Carolina. This would explain why so many of the houses in South Carolina look like they’re molting. Not wanting to be caught crossing the border with contraband cleaning tools, we opted for a somewhat more primitive solution.

We have a ladder left by the contractors who painted our house. There’s a reason they didn’t want it anymore. The ladder has notches on it’s side, indicating all the people who died trying to clean out their eaves.

I drew the short straw, so perched precariously atop this demon-possessed ladder, I slopped bleach on the vinyl siding. My brush refused to stay screwed onto the telescoping pole, and I had bleach dripping in my hair and running down my shirtsleeves. My husband stayed safely on terra firma, squirting the hose to rinse my handiwork.

You would think that my medical condition would exempt me from hazardous duty. I’m allergic to sudden death.

All evidence to the contrary, I’m still alive. Even after a shower, I reek of bleach and Febreeze. That’s right, we Febreezed our house. If you’re going to go to all that trouble, you may as well have your siding smell like ocean breeze, or fresh linen. I thought I’d be proactive and head off any complaints from the HOA that my house stinks.

Hopefully, my neck and shoulders will have a chance to recover before our next courtesy notice regarding the placement of our ornamental Chevy. They probably will want us to weed-whack the grass growing around the blocks. The fussbudgets!

15 thoughts on “This is a courtesy notice

  1. You know, the very term homeowner association, while seemingly benign, has the undertone of “screw with us and we’ll turn your life into a living hell….”

    And courtesy notices are little more then “do what we tell you or we’ll send in the hounds.”

    Good post!

    • I loved how they cited chapter and verse of the covenants we were violating. Somebody has too much time on her hands.

  2. I’ve never lived in a HOA community, but I did live on base in the Air Force, and it sounds frightfully similar. Except the Air Force didn’t leave courtesy notices; they hauled the active duty member of the household into the commander’s office and chewed butt. I have fond memories of being on all fours, pulling weeds and sneezing from grass allergies. My eyes swelled shut at times and my knees remained a lovely stained green color, but it sure beat the ass chew.

    Funny post! Loved the “ornamental Chevy”. Our family proudly displays those in Georgia, complete with dandelions peeking seductively out through the holes in the cinderblocks. Breathtaking!

    • It was especially interesting on base when dignitaries were coming. Like they were going to drive through for a neighborhood inspection. Hope I don’t have to wash the Chevy as well. I think I ran out of Febreeze.

  3. Oh dear, if you’ve ever lived without a homeowner’s association in an area that’s changing it’, you’d grow to love those people. Trust me. I’d blog about it, but I’m afraid some of the old neighborhood might find me.

    • I guess it’s a double-edged sword, depending on how you look at it. Maybe if the HOA had a seal on their golf carts saying, “To Protect and Serve,” I might be more charitably disposed toward them. Nah!

    • I guess it’s a good setup for something bad to happen; by bad I mean I’ll look back on it and laugh.

  4. Febreeze for siding? hmmm…sounds like something my daughter would try. One day when I asked her to clean the “inside” of the house and I found her spraying everything down with a nice layer of that fresh scent. Personally, I’d prefer it on the siding as well.
    Glad to hear your husband didn’t have to add a notch to your hand-me-down ladder:)

  5. I was curious about the streaking in your hair also. and I loved the Febreezing also. very funny.

  6. That’s why we moved a lot when I was a kid. My dad flatly refused to have anyone tell him what he could do on his own property, so every time a homeowners association sprung up, so did the For Sale sign in front of our house….

  7. Ok, the poster above me….what?

    We’ve never lived in any kind of community that did this sort of thing…and I wouldn’t ever!! No one tells me how to live,…or what my house should look like. Phooey on those fussbudgets!! Their houses probably aren’t perfect either.

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