Buttcrack cocaine and other weird stories

I don’t like to see people get hurt, yet, I will watch Smoking Gun’s World’s Dumbest and laugh my ass off at stunts that, if I tried them would put me into intensive care. So when is it OK to laugh at other people’s pain and humiliation? Continue reading

Just stop and ask directions

Mapquest, GPS, Tom-Tom: in the information age we don’t have any excuse for getting lost, but sometimes we still do. At least my husband is one of those enlightened males who will stop and ask directions … eventually.

Even more disturbing is the total lack of geographical knowledge among young people ages 18 to 24. At an age where they can enlist for military service, only about 13% know where Iraq is on the map. The percentage is the same for Iran and Afghanistan. Continue reading

Will you still digest me in the morning?

National Geographic Channel looooves to predict dire consequences 50 years from now if current trends in population, pollution, global warming, plate tectonics, solar flares, gang violence, rabbit overbreeding, and Dancing With the Stars continue unabated. I keep expecting to see the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse each time Len Goodman gives a couple a 10. Continue reading

Medical Note: Urine should never be chunky

One of the most common diseases associated with aging is hypochondria. If you experience ringing in your ears, difficulty reading fine print, increased ear wax, a rash that will not go away, muscle stiffness, or a sudden craving for raspberry sherbet, you may be suffering from hypochondria. Continue reading

I should have taken the invisible jet

How do I say this without sounding like a moron? I still have delusions of being a super-hero. I used to be able to run without incident, other than some leakage. I blame that on two pregnancies that stretched out my pelvic muscles like spandex on a hippo. Nevertheless, I had been in the habit of responding without thought to the sound of children screaming. Friday was no exception. Continue reading

Have you had your flu shot?

Oh, for the good old days when nobody gave a damn whether or not I got the flu. Whenever a new epidemic came along, people would caution that there was not enough vaccine for everybody, but that children and the elderly had higher risk factors for the flu virus. Far be it from me to hog all the vaccine when seniors in China were hacking up phlegm balls the size of grapefruits. Continue reading

Fear of commitment

My skin care routine vaguely resembles Cher’s wardrobe: minimalistic at best. So why am I a club member for an expensive line of skin care products? Why do I have two unopened boxes of a 90 day supply of cleanser and moisturizer, which I fully intend to re-gift to family members this Christmas? Because I looked in the mirror one morning and realized that I look like Ed McMahon on a good day. I have a dark splotch on one cheek that looks like the Virgin Mary. Continue reading

Rutabaga-1; Karla-0

When my sister was in the Brownies, she got an official Brownie pocket knife. The Brownie program is for girls in grades one through three, which means that there was a time when the Girl Scouts were arming six year olds. There was probably a badge for knife safety, but if I earned one, it didn’t stick. Continue reading

Last chance for the little skirt

There it hangs in my closet, tags dangling: a reminder of the many times I talked myself out of going to the pool or lying out in the sun. The one-piece bathing suit looks pretty good on me, but it has an unfortunate flaw: somebody put a little skirt on it. Continue reading