…but it’s a dry cold

Time to rejoice that I don’t live where dog poop freezes to the ground faster than you can pick it up. You heard me right. As we reset the clocks this weekend, my gratitude list includes warm poo, which just goes to show that it’s probably time to up my medication. Continue reading

QWERTY

It’s All Saints Day. I know this because I was up at 2:45 this morning contemplating the religious holiday, and wondering why I was up at 2:45. I never had a problem with insomnia when I was younger. Now it’s a nightly visitor, leaving me a zombie for large parts of the next day. There are four stages of sleep: Continue reading

My friends think I go just for the coffee

Dateline: 1995 Severna Park, Maryland. A bizarre shooting occurred at the Dunkin Donuts on Ritchie Highway at 3:00 PM yesterday. An argument broke out over a pen, and ended in severe injury to the pen’s owner. The shooter asked to borrow the victim’s pen, then decided that he wanted to keep it. When the victim protested, the shooter, well … shot him. Preliminary reports indicate that it was a Bic. Continue reading

Weighing your options

It’s that time of year again: a time of regret for the poor decisions that we made at the grocery store this week. I don’t own a bathroom scale, nor do I enjoy “hopping up” onto the scale at the doctor’s office. What’s with that anyway? They’re always asking you to hop up on the scale, or hop up on the table. If I have a gaping chest wound, don’t ask me to hop. But I digress. Continue reading

The petting zoo

Have you ever noticed how petting zoos have waaay too many goats, focusing their creepy slitted eyes on a hapless child and trampling him for a handful of dried corn. Yet, parents will heartlessly expose their children to the perils of tiny hooves in the hopes of catching that perfect Kodak moment. Continue reading

Everything but the diaper bag

It’s amazing seeing the world through a child’s eyes. Getting from my front porch to the world, not as amazing. Traveling with small children required months of planning, military precision, and a U-Haul. I looked forward to the day when I’d just be able to throw a few things in a bag and hit the open road. I’m still waiting for that day. Continue reading

Halftime hall of shame

What do Aerosmith, Prince, The Who, and Tom Petty have in common? The fact that I couldn’t pick them out in a crowded room. Obviously, I know very little about the music of my era (pre-Columbian), but will forge ahead anyway. Why? Because I have come to hate Super Bowl halftime shows. Continue reading

Do I take a right on Franklin to get to Bimini?

You could make the argument that Juan Ponce de Leon was the worst navigator ever, but obviously, you haven’t seen me negotiate the one way streets of downtown Baltimore. Juan sailed over to the new land with Christopher Columbus, with whom he honed his legendary skills for getting lost. Continue reading