You can’t pick your neighbors

If “Dick” had a piano drop on his head, causing major brain damage that turned him into a nice guy, I wouldn’t waste my time with a moment’s remorse for his misfortune. In fact, it would be cause for some amount of rejoicing. I can honestly say that I never wished a piano-related injury on anyone until Dick moved next door.

First, my apologies to PETA for this allegory. You all are doing a great job, in your own annoying, self-righteous way.

A man was out hunting ducks one day. He had just brought down a nice mallard when a lobbyist showed up and said, “You can’t do that, a%#hole!” Obviously, the lobbyist didn’t know that he was talking to Dick Cheney.

“Never mind that my net worth is more than God’s,” he replied, “my children will starve if I don’t bring home a duck.”

The lobbyist wasn’t swayed. “Tough sh*t. These are living breathing creatures, and your piddling problems don’t matter.”

The lobbyist is now undergoing reconstructive surgery after having his nose blown off.

I don’t own a shotgun, I don’t know any lobbyists, and no ducks (or lobbyists) were harmed in the making of this allegory.

Dick (my neighbor, not Cheney) cusses me out if I mow outside the lines, or park my motor home in my driveway. Mostly, he hates my dogs. I have a Doberman and a Great Dane, so when they bark, people in Nome, Alaska jump.

Being as how they are alive, my dogs need to pee and poop and stretch their legs. I have a fenced in yard, I’m outside with them every minute, and as soon as they bark, I bring them in.

Dick is not satisfied with my attempts to be a responsible pet owner. If I hear, “I’m reporting this” one more time, I think I may go looking for a shotgun … or a piano.

18 thoughts on “You can’t pick your neighbors

  1. Dick. Appropriate name. I’ve had “Dick” neighbors before. I have no doubt that you are tough enough to deal with this “Dick”. Gosh, I love saying the word/name “Dick”. It just kinda clicks off my tongue. Not a word I would normally use. However, for purposes of this comment, and standing up for my dear bloggy friend, I will call a “Dick” a “Dick” and I won’t apologize for it. Buddy-Dick-boy had better lay off my friend or I’m coming to South Carolina and skin me a duck or a dick. Whatev. I’m skeered of guns, but resourceful. So be afraid. Be very afraid.

  2. Oooh, I think this guy gets around. I had a townhouse neighbor who once woke me up banging on my door at 2:30 AM because he hadn’t been able to get back to sleep after I woke him up by clumsily dropping my keys on the sidewalk when I came home from work at 10:30 PM. I became VERY clumsy thereafter 🙂

    • How very passive-aggressive … I love it! Unless your keys have a relative mass of, say, the Washington Monument, I think your neighbor overreacted.

      • The ironic part I didn’t mention is that this man collected wind chimes from his vacations the way normal people collect post cards. He had untold dozens of wind chimes inside AND outside of his house, but my fumbled keys woke him up. Crazy is as crazy does, I suppose.

  3. “Dick”–was that choice conscious or subconscious?

    He should be reported for impersonating a human being!

    • I put a lot of thought into the name. We refer to him as the ogre, which is a much kinder epithet than he deserves.

  4. The Ogre fits him, it sounds like….

    You may have to hire Fluffy, Destroyer of Worlds, to take out Dick once and for all.

    • Fluffy would have Maverick, Colt, and Dick cowering in their boots. That is one mean looking puppy!

  5. Dick will run for the hills if you sic Maverick on him! In fact maybe Maverick will enjoy spending some quiet moments with Dick. LOL

    • Dick already squirted Maverick with the hose, so I don’t think they would be best buds if you put the two together.

  6. We have an HOA with “lovely” neighbors, that moved to the neighborhood several years after we did. I have taken to calling one the Whore/Hag of Babylon (depending on the latest offense), and the other two the Twisted Sisters. (They are indeed sisters, and they reside exactly two houses apart, but on our alley.) They became so named after we’d received our fifth notice from the HOA for the most ridiculous things (note: we’d never had problems with our neighbors until this group moved in). As a lovely passive/aggressive ploy, the Hag of Babylon’s husband came over one day and informed us that there was a nice little property about ten miles away from us for sale, and that we should check it out. Since then, we have been thinking about getting a dog, just so it can go out back and bark along the alley for a while every day.

    • We’re going to need more pianos. Whew! Sounds like you’re not going to be hanging out with those losers at the neighborhood block party.

  7. If your neighbor doesn’t like barking dogs he should be glad he didn’t live next to MY neighbor. They had three Pomeranians that barked all day with their high yippy voices. Luckily they moved away and the house is now empty (heaven). Hopefully, your neighbor will do the same!

  8. We can only hope he’ll decide to move. 98% of the day our dogs are both silent. I couldn’t imagine living with 24/7 barking.

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