Where’s the beef?

I can count the length of time since I’ve had a Taco Bell burrito in decades. It’s just as well, since my daughter insists that their meat is 70% grade F beef and 30% sand. (Please be assured, Taco Bell, that I’m not stating this as fact. Personally, I’ve never even heard of grade F beef, although I have heard of sand.) I’m sure they wash it first, but I try to avoid eating beach by-products. It’s a matter of principle.

In Weight Watchers they teach you that 3 oz. of meat is a piece about the size of the palm of your hand. You can find steaks this size at any hoity-toity restaurants that serve 3 green beans and a sprig of parsley as the vegetable.

The problem is that beef is best served on a bun, slathered with ketchup, mustard, … you get the idea. At McDonald’s, I like to get a plain hamburger, like in the McKids Meals. I do this to try to avoid high caloric Big Macs. The hamburgers are mostly grease, condiments, and bun. Hidden in there is a hamburger patty the size of a sheet of toilet paper.

When did beef become such a rare commodity? There’s never any shortage of cows when I’m driving through the countryside. I’m not able to provide you with proof of that because of a new law in Florida – state motto: Our legislators have waaay too much time on their hands.

In an effort to curb the rising tide of farmyard industrial espionage, you are no longer allowed to take pictures of farms. That means that a roadside stop to take that perfect pastoral pic of sunset over a bail of hay will get you arrested. I wish I was kidding. Of course, the farmers can cite zero examples of the misuse of camera phones to document the misuse of animals.

In view of the timing, I think the Taco Bell fiasco is just the tip of the iceberg. Obviously the farmers and Florida state legislature don’t want us to know that cows are becoming extinct. When your kids roll down the car window and yell “moo” as you drive through farmland, the reason the cows aren’t mooing back is because they are actually cardboard cutouts. While this makes it easier for drunken frat boys to go cow tipping in the middle of the night, it does nothing to get you a decent sized steak at a restaurant.

My recommendation is to put a little salt on your burrito. It makes the sand go down easier.

13 thoughts on “Where’s the beef?

  1. I hope the sand comes from a lovely, prestine, remote island beach, and not a Florida beach where kids sit in leaky diapers. I love me a Chalupa once in a while!

    You really can’t take a picture of a cow? Well, come to Minnesota! We’ve got a few cows still around here somewhere in the snow and fallow corn fields. I think they’re hiding from the taco bell corporation. But if you see one, you can take a picture without fear of arrest. Of course, when you have the freedom–you no longer feel the need to take pictures of cows. In fact, I don’t know the last time I saw a family standing on the side of the road clicking pictures of roaming or confined cattle. I think they may have been vacationing from Florida.

    • I’m sure that there’s plenty of Florida tourists who’ve been through It’s a Small World one too many times. They queue up at some local farm thinking it’s just another lame ride for the kiddies.

  2. That’s the silliest thing I’ve ever heard…!!!

    Come to Canada!!! We have luscious farmlands and the cows are abundant…if you want a picture of a cow, I’ll get you one…LOL

  3. Weight watchers – I was too hungry and fought my own war against all their salt. I’m Atkins all the way – bring on the beef, over 10 years now. I rarely do fast food places, ’cause I agree with your daughter. I ate my share of sand when I was a child, don’t need it now. Some places just add ‘more natural ingredients’ than beef. Loved this article.

  4. I was all ready to go to Taco Bell until you mentioned Weight Watchers, which I’m supposed to be doing………and I do, occasionally. I’m actually happy for the Grade F beef and sand filler, as I didn’t even know that stuff was beef. I sure can scarf their nachos down, though.
    Florida sure does have a lot of laws.

  5. Beef…




    At home I eat noodles and beans and, every morning drink a special brew that the equivalent of 10 servings of fruits and vegetables…

    When I go out to eat, I head for the sand burgers…

    Daughter’s in Florida…

    Too many …s in this comment…


  6. We have places with great burgers here in Maine, and you can photograph all the cows you want. I suggest a road trip!

  7. Today’s blog brought the editor out in me. You wrote, “that perfect pastoral pic of sunset over a bail of hay.” You bail a boat but you bale hay. Sorry, I couldn’t help myself.

    As for pictures of cows…. yawn!!

    • I haven’t done either in a long time. Then I guess it’s “baling” wire that Grandpa used to keep his truck running.

      • I suspect that Grandpa would have had to bail if he owned a boat. John used to tell stories about Grandpa using empty dynamite crates as seats in his airplane.

  8. Illegal to take a picture of a farm in Florida…..?

    I think some politicians (namely all of them) in the state legislature need a good kick in the ass, or a slap upside the head. Or both.

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