Where’s the beef?

I can count the length of time since I’ve had a Taco Bell burrito in decades. It’s just as well, since my daughter insists that their meat is 70% grade F beef and 30% sand. (Please be assured, Taco Bell, that I’m not stating this as fact. Personally, I’ve never even heard of grade F beef, although I have heard of sand.) I’m sure they wash it first, but I try to avoid eating beach by-products. It’s a matter of principle.

In Weight Watchers they teach you that 3 oz. of meat is a piece about the size of the palm of your hand. You can find steaks this size at any hoity-toity restaurants that serve 3 green beans and a sprig of parsley as the vegetable.

The problem is that beef is best served on a bun, slathered with ketchup, mustard, … you get the idea. At McDonald’s, I like to get a plain hamburger, like in the McKids Meals. I do this to try to avoid high caloric Big Macs. The hamburgers are mostly grease, condiments, and bun. Hidden in there is a hamburger patty the size of a sheet of toilet paper.

When did beef become such a rare commodity? There’s never any shortage of cows when I’m driving through the countryside. I’m not able to provide you with proof of that because of a new law in Florida – state motto: Our legislators have waaay too much time on their hands.

In an effort to curb the rising tide of farmyard industrial espionage, you are no longer allowed to take pictures of farms. That means that a roadside stop to take that perfect pastoral pic of sunset over a bail of hay will get you arrested. I wish I was kidding. Of course, the farmers can cite zero examples of the misuse of camera phones to document the misuse of animals.

In view of the timing, I think the Taco Bell fiasco is just the tip of the iceberg. Obviously the farmers and Florida state legislature don’t want us to know that cows are becoming extinct. When your kids roll down the car window and yell “moo” as you drive through farmland, the reason the cows aren’t mooing back is because they are actually cardboard cutouts. While this makes it easier for drunken frat boys to go cow tipping in the middle of the night, it does nothing to get you a decent sized steak at a restaurant.

My recommendation is to put a little salt on your burrito. It makes the sand go down easier.