I don’t trust online dating services. It’s human nature to exaggerate our good qualities, and downplay the fact that we occasionally urinate in the closet. Would you really move in with someone if you knew that your shoes were going to be in the splash zone? With your future happiness in mind, I’ve compiled a list of first date warning signs.
She thinks the moon landing was a hoax
A popular theory among paranoid schizophrenics and residents of New Jersey. With proper treatment and heavy medication, both conditions can be managed. Common signs include suggesting a neo-nazi rally as the venue for your first date.
He has made multiple appearances on Jerry Springer
His ex-girlfriend accused him of dating her dog behind her back. If he is served with a summons for a paternity test during the appetizer, don’t stick around for dessert. RUN!!!
Her purse weighs more than she does
She took the designer dog fad to an extreme and adopted a designer Rottweiller. She obviously has trouble with spatial relationships. Don’t under any circumstances allow her to park your Porsche.
He walks his cat
Single men who own cats are immediately suspect for deep emotional problems. They thrive on rejection and indifference. If he puts his cat on a leash, he has obviously lost touch with reality.
Her last boyfriend was a mime
She has serious communication issues. She also has a high tolerance for annoyance, and will put up with any stupid shit you do. Trying to break up through normal means (never calling her back) holds little meaning for her. She will get you a collection of black and white striped shirts for Christmas, and keep you in an invisible box.
He wears his pants backwards
He Is anatomically confused and will not know which end of the hose goes in the spigot. Draw him a map and break out the hand puppets.
She wants you as a partner on a reality show
She will do anything for her 15 minutes of fame. If this involves setting any of your body parts on fire, she will not hesitate. Make sure you have a good supply of Aloe Vera on hand.
Hopefully, you won’t encounter any of the above dating train wrecks. If you already have that significant other, cherish her or him. You don’t want to be thrown back into the deep end of the dating pool. It’s full of sharks.
Happy Valentine’s Day!