Wanted: Walking buddy for, well…walking. Must be willing to face down very large snakes and alligators (actually, the gators are medium size), scramble across loose boulders, balance on muddy logs, traverse steep leafy slopes, and keep up with a Doberman with legs longer than your own. May include getting sprayed by said Doberman after he swims in alligator and snake infested water. Serious applicants only need apply.
My normal daily dog walk is around my backyard lake. One section of the lake is a nice little road, until you get to a gap passable only by walking across the top of a beaver dam, with the lake on one side and a swamp on the other. The dam is home to a big black snake of indeterminate species. The couple times I ran into him, I chugged past thinking, If I don’t look at him he won’t bite me. I doubt that the snake was worried about making eye contact.
On the other side of the lake is a field of loose rocks. We’re not talking gravel here. The rocks range in size from softballs to toaster ovens. This is where my mom did a face-plant last year, taking several years off of my life, and leaving her with a road rash on her face the shape of Venezuela. I’ve taken a fall or two there as well, although I’d like to think that I went down with a grace to rival Gerald Ford’s.
Gerald, by the way was born Leslie Lynch, King, Jr. It makes you wonder why he changed his name. I don’t wonder enough to do anything like research on the subject. I always thought it curious that Betty Ford was the one who went to rehab, but she could walk better than her husband.
But I digress.
Walking buddies help keep you motivated when it’s 32 degrees out, raining, or in the middle of the playoffs. They give you someone to talk to when you’re not huffing your way up a leafy vertical slope.
Should you meet with an alligator or crazed ferret, you want somebody who runs slower than you do. Your walking buddy should be willing to walk in front to break the spider webs along the trail. Same sex walking buddies seem to be the norm, since they understand the need to work off that Twinkie binge.
Preferably, anyone interested in running my daily obstacle course should not also be running for public office. The road rash doesn’t look good in the press photos, and it’s very un-American to have Venezuela on your face. Gerald would have been doomed.