There’s a difference between trying to do something good and missing the mark, and picking a horse named Slo-Mo in the 2nd race at Pimlico. This could be a heart-warming blog about encouraging people not to let fear of failure hold them back from trying new scary stuff. It’s not.
One of the leading causes of sudden death is stupidity. Every year, glorious failures are compiled and reported in the Darwin Awards. One would think that removing idiots from the gene pool would leave us with a highly-evolved race of super-geniuses, but the sad truth is that humans score well above lemmings as the morons of the animal kingdom.
It’s probably best not to engage me in a conversation about the presidential primaries. I’m squarely on the fence between outrage and apathy on this one. Fortunately, I have a note from my doctor excusing me from learning about the candidates and issues, as this could lead to strokes, seizures, and generally poor life choices. I still have the scars from flinging myself off the roof last election year. In any election year, it’s important to be an informed voter, so without further ado, please meet the four candidates for the 2011 Darwin awards:
Our first candidate hails from Australia, where the “sport” of planking has become very popular. The successful planker will hold his body stiff as a board in various odd locations. One young man decided that the rail of his balcony would be a dandy spot to pretend that he was a 2 by 4. He apparently was unaware that balconies are the number 1 cause of gravity-related Darwin awards. Unfortunately, planks can’t fly.
Our second nominee gets the award for irony. It’s not an unusual story, the young man simply took a header over the handlebars of his motorcycle … in a rally to protest the New York state helmet law.
Candidate number three apparently can’t read the “Danger of Death” signs at high voltage power transfer stations. The story doesn’t go into detail, but this young man was trying to steal copper wire when he learned the startling truth about electricity—it hurts.
Are you into zombie flicks? A young well known stripper in India was having an engagement party, when a man broke into the room, lurching around and threatening the guests. The woman was outraged by the intrusion, and the man’s stench. She removed her four-inch stiletto, and smacked the intruder in the temple, effectively dispatching him. Unfortunately when she put her infected shoe back on and accidentally stepped on her sister, the young woman lurched about and attacked the stripper, who immediately started lurching toward the photographer. He knocked both sisters out with his tripod. Guests were fleeing the party like, well, lemmings.
There you have it. Four people who made the annals of one of the least coveted awards in history. My vote is still for the man years ago who stuck his privates in a ball washer at the golf course. Although he survived, he will not be adding to the population.
This has been a public service announcement to help you feel better about those times when you didn’t hit a home run, make CEO of your company, or figure out how to get the blinking light on your DVD player to stop. You’re welcome.