The third eye

The Fool

“Your psychic abilities are on the rise.” This, from a woman who did Tarot Card readings for pets. I had brought my camera so I could record my dog’s card reading for hours of hilarity later. Unfortunately, Colt was not giving off the vibes that day, and the reading turned to me.

Also, unfortunately, her reading seemed to be eerily accurate for what I was going through at the time, so how did that bode for my future? More importantly, how was I going to mock her later?

I was no stranger to the paranormal. Dousing rods, crystals, astral projection, the lost continent of Mu, and the Loch Ness Monster: you name it and my Dad was into it. Unfortunately, I defied his theory that everyone has some extra-sensory abilities. I sucked at bending spoons like The Great Kreskin, I’m not sure I have a past life to regress to, and I was batting zero on the ESP card test.

My only talent was to stop watches. Now, this is not a life skill that comes in handy when you’re trying to come up with the right numbers for the pick six. At the woman’s urging, I started journaling my dreams. What I discovered is that my dreams are about as interesting as a lecture on the Internal Revenue Code…without colorful charts, donuts, or hand puppets.

I went to a workshop based on the book, The Celestine Prophecy. We all had to bring our own wire coat hangers (a low budget workshop) which we fashioned into dousing rods. As we approached each other with our wienie skewers, the rods magically separated. They were pushed aside by each person’s aura. Each time someone tried it on me, the rods crossed. Our instructor was at a loss, since this phenomenon was never discussed in the book. I was slightly more concerned about showing up in the emergency room with a coat hanger stuck in my spleen.

The odd thing is that my ability to stop watches went away when I hit puberty. Once I hit the change of life, every watch I put on once more died an untimely (get it?) death. I haven’t been tempted to experiment with my non-watch related psychic abilities.

I’m left with a vague sense of unfinished business and an aversion to wire coat hangers. Maybe next time I’ll just have my tea leaves read, as long as I don’t have to bring my own tea.

11 thoughts on “The third eye

  1. Ha ha! Doggie psychics! Wow. Well, I make fun of all that stuff, but I can’t make too much fun, because I have a lot of dreams that come true and tend to hear things before people say them out loud. There! I admit it. I’m a freak!

  2. I’ve tried to be psychic and to be a psychic (through books of course), but I suck at it too…I’ve looked at tea leaves and palms and couldn’t figure them out to save my life. Heck, dreams??? I never remember my dreams. However, I did find out what my past lives were and I did find out who my spirit guide is…so, I guess that makes me sort of freaky too…I wrote my first book on my past lives…

    • I had no idea you were into past life stuff. It would be cool to learn more about how you discovered your past lives.

  3. Back about 20 years ago (oh here she goes, talking about the good old days) I was really into crystals. (not meth, didn’t know about that then, thank goodness) I went to psychic fairs and bought crystal after crystal. I had them displayed in my apartment, sure they would bring me good fortune and romance if I treated them with respect.
    Then one night a date came over for dinner, perused my collection, and said she thought all that psychic stuff was stupid. That was enough for me. Much rather have a girlfriend than a load of (crap) crystals! 😛

  4. OK, this is my favorite post EVER. Though, with the mention of wire hangers, I initially thought it was about a serious topic, like back alley abortions…..

    PS – do you really have a book coming out? And, more importantly, are you dedicating it to me?

    • The book is waiting for an agent, who is waiting for my audience to grow before taking me on. For a small cash remuneration, I can include you in the acknowledgments. May I suggest our platinum contributor plan?

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