About Karla Telega

I'm a middle aged maven, winner of a Reader Views Award for my humorous mystery, Box of Rocks, and a five year survivor of Southern living. Seriously, you should see the size of some of these spiders!

My friends think I go just for the coffee

Dateline: 1995 Severna Park, Maryland. A bizarre shooting occurred at the Dunkin Donuts on Ritchie Highway at 3:00 PM yesterday. An argument broke out over a pen, and ended in severe injury to the pen’s owner. The shooter asked to borrow the victim’s pen, then decided that he wanted to keep it. When the victim protested, the shooter, well … shot him. Preliminary reports indicate that it was a Bic. Continue reading

Weighing your options

It’s that time of year again: a time of regret for the poor decisions that we made at the grocery store this week. I don’t own a bathroom scale, nor do I enjoy “hopping up” onto the scale at the doctor’s office. What’s with that anyway? They’re always asking you to hop up on the scale, or hop up on the table. If I have a gaping chest wound, don’t ask me to hop. But I digress. Continue reading

The petting zoo

Have you ever noticed how petting zoos have waaay too many goats, focusing their creepy slitted eyes on a hapless child and trampling him for a handful of dried corn. Yet, parents will heartlessly expose their children to the perils of tiny hooves in the hopes of catching that perfect Kodak moment. Continue reading

Everything but the diaper bag

It’s amazing seeing the world through a child’s eyes. Getting from my front porch to the world, not as amazing. Traveling with small children required months of planning, military precision, and a U-Haul. I looked forward to the day when I’d just be able to throw a few things in a bag and hit the open road. I’m still waiting for that day. Continue reading

Pain in the Butt

No list of the embarrassing body functions associated with aging would be complete without the hemorrhoid. Like belly buttons, you can have inies or outies. Either way, they can ruin your day, week, or longer. When I itch, there is frequently a disconnect between my brain and my hand. Continue reading

Halftime hall of shame

What do Aerosmith, Prince, The Who, and Tom Petty have in common? The fact that I couldn’t pick them out in a crowded room. Obviously, I know very little about the music of my era (pre-Columbian), but will forge ahead anyway. Why? Because I have come to hate Super Bowl halftime shows. Continue reading

Do I take a right on Franklin to get to Bimini?

You could make the argument that Juan Ponce de Leon was the worst navigator ever, but obviously, you haven’t seen me negotiate the one way streets of downtown Baltimore. Juan sailed over to the new land with Christopher Columbus, with whom he honed his legendary skills for getting lost. Continue reading

Buttcrack cocaine and other weird stories

I don’t like to see people get hurt, yet, I will watch Smoking Gun’s World’s Dumbest and laugh my ass off at stunts that, if I tried them would put me into intensive care. So when is it OK to laugh at other people’s pain and humiliation? Continue reading