Stand up and be counted

Warning: This post is politically incorrect on so many levels. Sometimes, that’s not a bad thing.

One night, long ago, a weary couple arrived in a small town called Bethlehem. There was a convention with all the descendants of King David crammed together for a census, so that the Romans could decide where to build the best schools and aqueducts. Continue reading

Home for the holidays

Travel disclaimer. Before you decide that you can break into my home and steal my collection of authentic diamonelle pendants (which will get you nothing but scornful looks at the pawn shop), please be assured that I’ll have a housesitter while I’m gone. Matt is 6’3” and 200 pounds of pure steroids. My house is also protected by Rottweilers, tiger traps, anti-aircraft guns, an alligator infested moat, and ninjas. Continue reading

Making wood

From the time when man first realized that mastodon was easier to chew with his three teeth when it was cooked, the world got a little warmer. I never thought that building a fire was all that hard. I’m sure that MacGyver marches straight past the matches when he goes to the store, choosing instead to use three safety pins, a wad of chewing gum, and some pocket lint. Continue reading

Ox and Ass

Sometimes I can be an ass. Usually it’s unintentional, which only makes it worse. I’m afraid I’ve got some innate assitude in me. Get me drunk and I’ll insult my husband’s boss, incite riots, and have sex involving vegetables. This isn’t hypothetical, people. I speak from experience. It turns out that even in the basic food groups, size does matter. Continue reading

Bottoms up in a manger

“I’m teaching my kids the true meaning of Christmas.” I repeated to myself for about the 8th time. My daughters were 5 and 2, and I was director of the church Christmas pageant. Me. The woman whose children usually played under the pews during the sermon. What were they thinking? Continue reading

Help Me Up, Whippersnappers

I’m very excited to have KLZ from Taming Insanity posting on my website today! She brings a great sense of humor and a youthful perspective for my (ahem) older readers. You know who you are. You can catch me today at her website above. Hope you enjoy her post as much as I did!

I’ve never quite acted my age. I like to joke that I’m always behaving as though I’m 6 or 86. I can never seem to fall anywhere appropriately in between.

Which is why having a child is somewhat of a relief to me. I can get away with both pretending I’m walking across hot lava (I’m playing with my child!) and being crotchety enough to say things like “turn down that radio, it’s too damn loud!” (the baby is sleeping!) Continue reading

At least I’m Bipedal

You may think that claiming that I can stand erect and walk on two feet is setting the bar kind of low. That’s obviously not my only talent. I assure you, I’m not a one-trick pony. I also have opposable thumbs and reasonably good diction. Continue reading

Are the cookies done Yeti?

I remember my apron in the closet right after I’ve stirred a batch of cookies or finished kneading bread dough. Since I’m not a neat baker, I generally end up with flour all down the front of my fuzzy red bathrobe. The robe emphasizes my wide butt and post menopausal belly, giving the effect of an abominable snowman with a sunburn. And why is it that I always wipe my hands on my butt, leaving big white handprints on my generous ass? Continue reading

Nantucket Sleigh Ride

He threw himself on the ground and started crying loudly and pitifully. I glanced around hoping nobody would run out and accuse me of kicking my puppy. I managed to coax Colt into walking 20 feet for his first time on the leash before we turned back home. That was then. Continue reading