Tall, dark, and thirsty

I blame it on Count Chocula. We teach our daughters from an early age that vampires are the harbingers of chocolate milk and sugar induced comas. Is it any wonder that when hormones kick in, they totally forget that combined with juice, toast, and milk, vampires are part of a nutritious breakfast? Continue reading

It could be worse

My husband prances around the house naked doing his “woo-woo” dance when he wants to entice me into the bedroom. It mainly puts me in the mood to close all the curtains and hope that the neighbors don’t call the police. That would be kind of hard to explain in the annual Christmas letter. Continue reading

Godzilla vs. the Mall

As a rule, I would rather be tied to an ant mound and covered with honey than go Christmas shopping. My shopping trips are normally very focused and carried out with military precision. I locate the item(s) on my list, sprint for the register, and throw money at the confused cashier on my way out the door. Continue reading

I’d like to thank the Academy …

You like me … you really like me! I’ve just been named for The Versatile Blogger Award. Fellow bloggers pass this award along to people who’s blogs they have recently discovered and enjoyed. There are four steps to accepting the award: Continue reading

Laugh till it hurts

I inherited my comforting skills from my mom. When I told her I had degenerative disc disease, her immediate response was, “Oh, just like Aunt Bernice. She couldn’t raise her head; spent years looking at her feet.” When I was 45 and doing a panic-stricken pregnancy test at her house, she laughed her ass off. Continue reading

You might not remember this tomorrow

Johns Hopkins keeps sending me email pamphlets on memory loss. I don’t remember asking them for the Dementia Dictionary, which in itself might indicate a problem. Today’s headline read, “You might not remember this tomorrow” which begs the question, “Why should I read it today?” Continue reading

Always use new underwear to wipe your car

Why is it illegal to carry a goldfish on a city bus in Seattle unless it remains still? Apparently, if your fish is sloshing around, it disturbs the other passengers. You also are not allowed to set fire to other people’s property without their permission, which makes arson legal under the right circumstances. I suppose the people most disturbed by the sound of sloshing water are the same ones who are setting fire to the backseat of city busses. Continue reading

The eyes have it

Take fur Advil at the fist fight of a haddock, and on ever birthday theater? If I didn’t have a headache before going into the pharmacy, I did by the time I left. That tiny bottle had a fold out instruction sheet – an analgesic centerfold! I dashed for the magnifying glasses aisle, only to be able to make out that there was indeed actual printing on the label. Little did I know that a vision test was required for over the counter pain relief. Continue reading